Fear of Public Speaking

By popular demand, I’m writing this month’s article on the fear of speaking in public. According to public polls, it trumps the fear of death, thereby stopping hundreds of thousands of messages from being brought into the world every day. As far as I’m concerned, that death is worse than any other kind. I believe that at no time in history have messages been more important to deliver than right now. Nothing should keep them from being heard—least of all fear.

So what is this fear exactly and why is it so paralyzing? The truth of the matter is, we’re not afraid of speaking. We are terrified of being humiliated. And at one time in our lives, most of us have been—probably in school by a “puritan” teacher who crucified our brilliant ideas in front of others. So, we are afraid of being humiliated in public—not speaking in public. It’s a subtle distinction, but one worth noting. I tell my students all the time: your words create your world, so watch the words that you use. Stop saying you’re afraid of speaking in public because that’s not the case. You’re afraid of messing up royally and being humiliated in front of the public. When you recognize the distinction, you’ll recognize that one dos not equal the other. The percentage of times you’ll experience humiliation, out of all the times you’ll actually be speaking, are infinitesimal—if any.

Nevertheless, this is what terrifies us: humiliation. It’s not speaking that you fear. That you can handle quite well. It’s the idea that you’ll be humiliated. Say that truth to yourself and you’ll already begin to break apart the block of fear.

So, what contributes to this paralyzing idea?

1. It’s happened to us. Once upon time, bursting with excitement and genius, we bared our psyches only to have an adult cut us down, or an event happen that brought our peers to laughter.

2. We’re mimicking “old school” speakers and presenters, whose techniques perpetuate awkwardness before a crowd.

3. We’re self-focused, making us self-important. Rather than focusing on giving to the audience, we’re focused on getting approval from them. We feel a strong need, therefore, to be perfect.

4. We simply aren’t prepared. We don’t know our material well enough and we haven’t practiced delivering it.

5. We’re relying on word-for-word memorization.

6. We’re unsure about the value—to our audience--of our message.

I’ll say a word or two about each of these.

1. This first issue is a deep one, and I recommend my other article where I address it more deeply.  _______ Just know this: no one, and no event, defines who you are unless you allow them to. You can choose to allow an earlier experience to define your fragility, but realize that’s a choice you’re making--and probably one that you use to keep yourself from reaching your full potential.

2. The New Paradigm techniques I teach tend to mitigate fear. Let me share some Old Paradigm ones that perpetuate your fear: 1) Opening with your name or a thank you; 2) “pouring” information at your audience from a distance, while they listen quietly; 3) believing you must present yourself as serious and mature; 4) standing behind a podium.

In the New Paradigm, you are (among many things) involved with your audience in such a way that you are not the star, they are. You aren’t important, they are. When you lose your importance, you lose your fear, too. Which leads to the next one:

3. So, here’s the rub. If we feel we must be perfect in front of an audience (because we are there to get their approval), we’re going to fail because—sit down, if you need to—we’re not ever going to be perfect. So, if we feel we must be perfect, but we never will be, we’re in quite a spot. And we know that, which is what a great deal of the fear is about. So how do you stop needing to be perfect before an audience? Adjust your purpose from “needing to get” to “needing to give.” I teach my students that they are teachers, not speakers. It creates a significant change in how you view yourself up there. When you’re there to give, your self-importance vanishes, and it is self-importance that fuels fear.

Another note on this: it’s also worth accepting that you’re never going to please everyone. Someone in the room won’t like you. The question is, Can that be okay with you? If it can’t be…why?
Try this tack, too: ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen if I pass out? If I forget something—or everything? If the audience gets up and leaves after the first 10 minutes? Go through the process of questioning yourself with this. Answer it the first time. If I pass out, the worst thing is I won’t be asked back to speak. And what’s the worst thing that could happen from that? I’ll have to find a new group to speak to. And the worst thing from that? You’ll find, that “the worst”…isn’t.
Finally—if you aren’t perfect? Be self-effacing. People love when speakers acknowledge their own “mistakes.” Not doing so allows the awkwardness to “sit in the room,” which isn’t good energy-management. So, make a joke about yourself and move on. Your audience will feel what you feel, so the more confidently and nonchalantly you handle an embarrassing moment, the more confident they will feel about what you did, as well.

4. Who doesn’t know that they need to practice? It’s Public Speaking 101, right? Not for many, many speakers (especially those who like being in front of groups). But even those who fear speaking don’t realize that power of knowing their material cold. The greatest fear is not knowing it; that your brain will go blank. Practice! Practice in the shower, in the car, doing dishes—wherever you can. You will walk on the (proverbial) stage as if you own it when you know your stuff.

5. At first, I memorized my entire 2-hour event word for word. And it was the primary cause of my trepidation. I felt more comfortable memorizing than speaking off-the-cuff, but it set me up for trouble in case I forgot a word. Once that word was forgotten, so was the next—starting a domino effect. Eventually (as is the case for me), memorization turns to true knowing. But until then, it can be very tenuous. I recommend bullet point references on your notes, not word for word—and then, lots of practice! Too many speakers wander if they don’t speak from a well-structured memorized piece.

6. We can be nervous when we’re unsure if others want to hear our message. This is what I can say about that: make sure it is something they want to hear. Know your audience. Then, make sure that you really are giving value. A lot of speakers don’t! They speak above or below their audiences; they provide cliché material; they don’t help the audience to see how it’s valuable in their lives. If you’re nervous about the value of your message—it may be worth a look. On the other hand, when you know that you’re giving extreme value to your audiences, you’ll be chomping on the bit to give it to them. That goes back to the giving vs .getting issue. If you’ve got value to give but you’re still more focused on getting their approval, fear will nail you. But giving great value because you can’t wait to give it? You’ll be irrepressible!

I truly hope these ideas have given you food for thought because you have a message to get out there!! You cannot give fear the power any longer. Take over, take control. Recognize, again, that it is humiliation you fear, not speaking. So, what’s the worst thing that can happen to you if you’re humiliated? Really dig deep with yourself there and you’ll find that the “worst” is simply not worth being a slave to fear any longer, hiding away what you’ve got to say, and living a life far smaller than you were meant to live. Nothing is worth that!

Be sure to read Fear: An Uncommon Perspective in the Newsletter archives.