Fear: An Uncommon Perspective

So, in my April monthly essay, I talked about the fear of public speaking as not a fear of speaking at all, but a fear of being humiliated-- making a mistake and being ridiculed. That is what we fear more than death; being laughed at or shunned. Unfortunately, what we fear most, we tend to draw to us. It happened to me a few years ago. Let me tell you the story.

I was attending a weekend workshop with a public speaking teacher from the west coast. He had talked at another seminar I’d been to the previous month, so when I learned that he was coming to New York, I jumped on the chance to see him more “up close and personal.” I even helped him fill his room for the event. Once there, I found myself immediately wanting to impress him [self-importance leads to fear]. I knew I was pretty good in front of an audience (even before I learned the New Paradigm techniques I teach today) and I wanted to prove that to him. In addition, someone else was in attendance who I wanted to impress. Can you see it? I was doomed before I even began because I was focused so narrowly on myself. And because that focus came out of my insecurity, I was double-doomed. (Actually, all self-focus comes out of insecurity.)

We were told, once in the seminar, that over the next 48 hours, we would be giving a 20 minute speech for critique. It could be on any subject. As the hours passed, I began to panic. I had no idea what to talk about; I was in the midst of changing the direction of my business and had no strong thoughts formulated yet on my new path that could be worked into a speech. I began to over-think and “downshift.” Downshifting is when we move out of our “upper” brain, where we do our higher-thinking processing, and slip down into the old part of the brain where there is no thinking, only emotion. By Sunday afternoon, I was fully downshifted when it was my turn to speak.

I will tell you that I gave an interactive speech that went far beyond the scope of a traditional speech. The teacher, who had become a friend and was, as I said, someone I wanted to impress, hated it. I mean he hated it and held nothing back in a scathing attack that left me—it felt at the time—stripped of all dignity.

There is no question: I was as humiliated as anyone could be. I experienced the nightmare everyone tries to avoid when they avoid speaking in public. I didn’t have thousands of people in the audience, but the twenty-five peers who were there had all become friends. It was hard to swallow such harsh feedback in front of friends.

I left the seminar room for sometime that Sunday afternoon and returning was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. I was greeted by much compassion and warmth, but I couldn’t receive it because—well, I felt aflame with humiliation.

I tell you this story for a few reasons. One is that it illustrates a powerful force: the self-fulfilling prophecy. This is, I believe, the only reason we will ever actually get ourselves into a humiliating situation: we have all but “ordered it” from the ethers. The fact is, I was so afraid of making a mistake in front of those two idols of mine that I had no choice but to do just that. Since then, I have experienced similar self-fulfilling prophecies in front of audiences when I fear having a “brain freeze.” As soon as I have the thought, my sub-conscious makes it happen. And what is at the core of these self-fulfilling prophecies? Once again, much too much self-attention. Needing your “self” to be perfect, admirable, important, respected. Whatever you “need” too much, you’ll squash with the fear that it won’t happen.

So, a vital step to being at ease with an audience is reducing your own importance. I help my students move from being speakers to teachers because when we’re teachers, who is important? The ones in the seat, not the one on the stage. Second, you want to acknowledge the needs you have because they will sabotage you if they’re unconscious. With awareness, you can summarily dismiss them. The bottom line is, you can only “think yourself” into disaster.

I also tell you this story to make this critical point: Despite that weekend debacle, I teach presenting and speaking skills, and most think I’m pretty good. That weekend didn’t break me. It didn’t diminish me, either. Why? Because I didn’t let it. I experienced everyone’s worst-case public speaking fiasco—but I decided what it meant about me and about my future. The event itself—and the man who critiqued me—had no power to determine that. It was up to me. And that is the point I want to drive home: nothing can humiliate you without your consent, or break you without your consent. You may actually one day be in a situation as “bad” as the one I was in. If you have a message in you; a business dream to fulfill; change you want to see…you must be willing to let the “worst” happen, knowing it won’t damage you unless you let it.

As an empowerment coach, when I felt deep resistance and fear in my clients, I would have them consider their most dreaded future experience, and then have them say aloud, “I am willing to have _________ happen.” They usually choked it out, but they said it. And I would probe, “Why are you willing?” And their answer (with my coaching) was, “Because there is nothing I can’t handle.”

And that’s the truth. You can handle any humiliation. Know that. Claim it. Stop stifling your vital communication out of the idea that you will die if you make a mistake. Not only did I not die, I went on to become a teacher of public speaking.

Fear of public speaking is not the problem; it’s a symptom of the problem, which is  the belief that you can be damaged and diminished by someone else or by an event. As long as you believe that, there will be many things you will not do. Public speaking will just be one of them. And day by day, you will leak away the power vested in you: to reach your highest potential.

So, I encourage you to do something scary. Tell yourself, “I am willing to be humiliated in front of a group of people.” And ask yourself, “Why are you willing?” You will answer, “Because there is nothing I cannot handle.”

Lizabeth, you may ask yourself, isn’t that creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?? The answer is no. A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs because of fear. You are resisting the future possibility of something and both fear and resistance, unfortunately, are magnets for drawing just what you don’t want. Allowing the possibility of humiliation because you know you can handle it has a very different feel to it. You can feel it right now, can’t you? It’s one of power. Allowing is the more powerful energy of all because it has no fear in it whatsoever.

There is nothing more important than your voice. Do not allow anything to silence it.